Remarriage after death of a spouse

Come here to discuss Courtship, Marriage and Relationships. This will also be a place for the opposite sexes to dialogue on Appropriate Behavior and to learn to better understand each other.

Moderator: Moderators

Remarriage after death of a spouse

Postby Never Alone » Tue Jun 09, 2009 1:23 pm

How soon after the death of a spouse is it appropriate to begin courting again?
Men, especially, seem to often look for a new wife before their first wife has been gone very long.
What are some thoughts and discussion on remarrying after one's spouse is gone?
Never Alone
Accomplished Teacher
 
Posts: 122
Joined: Mon Mar 23, 2009 1:11 pm

Re: Remarriage after death of a spouse

Postby Bootstrap » Tue Jun 09, 2009 1:34 pm

Never Alone wrote:How soon after the death of a spouse is it appropriate to begin courting again?
Men, especially, seem to often look for a new wife before their first wife has been gone very long.
What are some thoughts and discussion on remarrying after one's spouse is gone?


I think most people are a little insane after a shock like a divorce or the death of a spouse - I sure was, and I was lucky that I read a book that pointed that out before I got into any trouble. Many experts suggest making no big moves in the first year, and I would probably wait a year before thinking about courting.
The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith. Some have wandered away from these and turned to meaningless talk.

http://mennodiscuss.com/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=8352&p=234867#p233710
User avatar
Bootstrap
Needs MD Anonymous
 
Posts: 15671
Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2008 8:46 am
Location: North Carolina: The valley of humility between two mountains of conceit.

Re: Remarriage after death of a spouse

Postby Never Alone » Wed Jun 10, 2009 12:15 am

I think waiting a year is a good idea. I knew of a man who was married around 50 years who got married within 8 months after his wife died. I think that's plenty fast.

Question: does it make a difference in how appropriate it is to find a new wife (or husband) so soon if there are still children at home?
Never Alone
Accomplished Teacher
 
Posts: 122
Joined: Mon Mar 23, 2009 1:11 pm

Re: Remarriage after death of a spouse

Postby von » Wed Jun 10, 2009 12:32 am

I personally would remarry as soon as practical...but would guard myself with wise counsel as to whom.
Psa 68:6 God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land.
User avatar
von
Needs MD Anonymous
 
Posts: 6221
Joined: Wed Feb 13, 2008 9:47 pm
Location: Texas

Re: Remarriage after death of a spouse

Postby justme » Wed Jun 10, 2009 12:36 am

i think its different for men and women.
and i think that men need companionship more than women do.
"Joy and pain are flip sides of the same coin. If you succeed at insulating yourself against the one, you deny yourself the ability to experience the other." -Kelly Grayson
User avatar
justme
Needs MD Anonymous
 
Posts: 20313
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2005 8:43 pm
Location: central pa

Re: Remarriage after death of a spouse

Postby Never Alone » Wed Jun 10, 2009 7:13 am

justme wrote:i think its different for men and women.
and i think that men need companionship more than women do.


so it seems. or perhaps it's because women have less choice when it comes to marrying or remarrying, seeing that it's not as "acceptable" for a woman to do the asking. or maybe it's a little of both :)
Never Alone
Accomplished Teacher
 
Posts: 122
Joined: Mon Mar 23, 2009 1:11 pm

Re: Remarriage after death of a spouse

Postby Bootstrap » Wed Jun 10, 2009 10:08 am

If you have children, a lot depends on how they feel about things. My fiancee and I were lucky - our kids like each other, and they like us. If there had been difficulties between them, I would have been very, very concerned.

We did not tell our children we were dating until we had been dating for six months and had clearly given each other our hearts. I have read that it's bad for kids to get their hopes up and then break it off, in secular circles this often happens with several people, and it harms their sense of stability. Your kids need to know they have a stable home, with a loving parent.

I also think it's important to get a handle on being a good parent after a tragedy like this first, before dating. I get the impression that some guys marry because they have no idea how to take care of a house, cook, or care for their kids. That's a lousy reason to get married! And I think some people get married to escape the pain they are facing, or to have someone to comfort them. That's very, very understandable, but also dangerous. I think it's good to have your own sense of stability and direction before courting or dating.

That said, some people have done everything wrong as I see it, and still wound up with good marriages.
The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith. Some have wandered away from these and turned to meaningless talk.

http://mennodiscuss.com/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=8352&p=234867#p233710
User avatar
Bootstrap
Needs MD Anonymous
 
Posts: 15671
Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2008 8:46 am
Location: North Carolina: The valley of humility between two mountains of conceit.

Re: Remarriage after death of a spouse

Postby modestmaiden » Fri Sep 21, 2012 12:53 am

If anything ever happened to my love I doubt that I would ever marry again and I told him this. I was shocked when I read that marriage is only binding until one passes away. It upset me and still confuses me. The idea that there isn't marriage in heaven makes me feel sad, hurt and puzzled. No matter what happens I will still feel like I belong only to him. And no one else could ever be my son's dad...the only thing I could see happening would be spending a lot more time with friends. I know it recommends "young" widows to remarry, but what constitues as nyoung anyways? I already feel that I am past that now. No one has any guarantees on life. I've had plenty of people noting the age difference between my love and I that he will probably die first but who knows? I am just as mortal as he, more clumsy and accident prone too... :oops: No one knows how long they have. I have told the Lord that I always want to be with my love. On a day that he was feeling particularly bothered by this topic he asked me what I thought and I said that I really hope when God needs him that he needs me too because I never want to be without him. I feel that the Lord putting us together was the biggest blessing in my life and that it always will be. And having blessed us with our beautiful young son I just pray the Lord gives us many happy years together and enjoy every second of it! :mrgreen:
"It is when people forget God that tyrants forge their chains"-Patrick Henry

"Cursed be all knowledge that is contrary to Christ"-Johnathan Dickinson, founder of Princeton University
User avatar
modestmaiden
Junior Menno Guru
 
Posts: 623
Joined: Mon Sep 10, 2012 9:52 pm

Re: Remarriage after death of a spouse

Postby VeryAlive » Tue Sep 25, 2012 3:38 am

This topic has been on my mind the last while, mostly because my disease is supposed to kill me eventually. Recently I told my husband that he needs a wife, so if I can no longer be here, he should find another one. After all, it is not good for the man to be alone! Then I started thinking of the details of such an arrangement, and what kind of wife would be best for him, and also what kind of woman would be able to step in and love our little girls as her own...and I came to the conclusion that I am the ideal wife for my husband! So, it makes the most sense for God to heal me, to save my family a heap of bother and trauma. Ya hear that, God? :-)
Wife of one man, mother of two girls; loved beyond measure by our infinite God! Affiliation: Beachy/Mennonite
User avatar
VeryAlive
Skilled Preacher
 
Posts: 283
Joined: Thu Feb 16, 2012 4:54 pm
Location: Virginia

Re: Remarriage after death of a spouse

Postby temporal1 » Tue Sep 25, 2012 5:05 am

VeryAlive wrote:This topic has been on my mind the last while, mostly because my disease is supposed to kill me eventually. Recently I told my husband that he needs a wife, so if I can no longer be here, he should find another one. After all, it is not good for the man to be alone! Then I started thinking of the details of such an arrangement, and what kind of wife would be best for him, and also what kind of woman would be able to step in and love our little girls as her own...and I came to the conclusion that I am the ideal wife for my husband!
So, it makes the most sense for God to heal me, to save my family a heap of bother and trauma. Ya hear that, God? :-)
you are not alone in this observation and prayer. o, Lord, hear our prayer .. :hug:
Thanks be to God, He giveth us the victory thru our Lord Jesus Christ.
ICor15:57
User avatar
temporal1
Needs MD Anonymous
 
Posts: 14622
Joined: Wed Mar 02, 2011 10:13 pm
Location: Prairie

Re: Remarriage after death of a spouse

Postby Stoltz13 » Tue Sep 25, 2012 7:42 am

Never Alone wrote:How soon after the death of a spouse is it appropriate to begin courting again?
I wouldn't set a standard, but I would recommend waiting longer than a year after the death of the spouse and not rush into another marriage. Granted, everyone grieves differently and each circumstance unique, so...
Never Alone wrote:Men, especially, seem to often look for a new wife before their first wife has been gone very long. What are some thoughts and discussion on remarrying after one's spouse is gone?
I have noticed men are extra needy. I suppose when you had cooked meals, laundry service and a clean house for years, there's a dependency.

I believe children need to be taken into account. Too often the adults decide and the children are treated like an afterthought. I remember a man who lost his spouse to cancer and was romantically involved less than a year later, extremely difficult for his family. Men can be especially oblivious to what their children really want or need and confuse their own desires with what is good for their family. Just because a child tells a parent it is okay doesn't mean they are okay, I have seen the hurt first hand.
"States make war and vice-versa." Charles Tilly
User avatar
Stoltz13
Needs MD Anonymous
 
Posts: 27736
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2005 9:24 pm

Re: Remarriage after death of a spouse

Postby ernie » Tue Sep 25, 2012 1:30 pm

temporal1 wrote:
VeryAlive wrote:This topic has been on my mind the last while, mostly because my disease is supposed to kill me eventually. Recently I told my husband that he needs a wife, so if I can no longer be here, he should find another one. After all, it is not good for the man to be alone! Then I started thinking of the details of such an arrangement, and what kind of wife would be best for him, and also what kind of woman would be able to step in and love our little girls as her own...and I came to the conclusion that I am the ideal wife for my husband!
So, it makes the most sense for God to heal me, to save my family a heap of bother and trauma. Ya hear that, God? :-)
you are not alone in this observation and prayer. o, Lord, hear our prayer .. :hug:

Yes Lord!
"But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one.
Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city."
ernie
Needs MD Anonymous
 
Posts: 5010
Joined: Tue Dec 19, 2006 1:08 pm
Location: Kingdom Christian, pilgrim church, admirer of true-hearted Anabaptists, Not affiliated.

Re: Remarriage after death of a spouse

Postby Sunbeam » Tue Sep 25, 2012 2:12 pm

I hope it's not a question I ever have cause to consider. But were my husband to die, what my children think about the issue would figure heavily into the choices I might make thereafter. My observation is that a widowed spouse often seems mentally prepared to consider marrying again more quickly than the children feel prepared to embrace a new mom or dad.
I think when there are medium-sized/teen children in the home, it is only respectful and kind to expect that a new spouse would have to pass the inspection of the children as well as the parent, and that the marriage would have the blessing of the entire family unit.
Truth does not need a bodyguard.
User avatar
Sunbeam
Needs MD Anonymous
 
Posts: 6927
Joined: Wed Nov 22, 2006 9:26 pm
Location: member of a moderately Conservative Menno Church, belonging to the South Atlantic Conferance

Re: Remarriage after death of a spouse

Postby Stoltz13 » Tue Sep 25, 2012 2:56 pm

Sunbeam wrote:I hope it's not a question I ever have cause to consider. But were my husband to die, what my children think about the issue would figure heavily into the choices I might make thereafter. My observation is that a widowed spouse often seems mentally prepared to consider marrying again more quickly than the children feel prepared to embrace a new mom or dad.
My theory is that children only know their parents as parents and married. Children stake their own stability on a notion of what is now was always and will remain so. Death of a parent is a shock and a loss of a lifetime, a child's biological parent can't be replaced. A parent's remarriage could come off as indifference.

The widowed spouse, on the other hand, once was single, has likely considered others (before or after marriage) and has probably experienced the deal of a loved one. They are thinking in practical terms and with less idealism. They may not realize how much their children have been trying to step in to fill the void.

For example, I know of a teenage daughter who kept house (cooked and cleaned) after her mom passed away. She acted as if jealous or jaded when her dad started dating, there was murder in her eyes at the mention of the new girlfriend's name. They seem to have worked through it though.
Sunbeam wrote:I think when there are medium-sized/teen children in the home, it is only respectful and kind to expect that a new spouse would have to pass the inspection of the children as well as the parent, and that the marriage would have the blessing of the entire family unit.

Ever watch Sound of Music? 8)
"States make war and vice-versa." Charles Tilly
User avatar
Stoltz13
Needs MD Anonymous
 
Posts: 27736
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2005 9:24 pm

Re: Remarriage after death of a spouse

Postby appleman2006 » Tue Sep 25, 2012 5:49 pm

Some of you may remember that 4 and one half years ago my wife's youngest sister died after a short bout with cancer. For the last 3 years my daughter has been keeping house for him and his four children who are now between ages 10 and 17. Back in January my brother-in-law started dating my sister. It is really neat to see the joy in both of their faces as they plan their wedding next month. He has sold his old house and they are building a new one, a wise move I think. The children are supportive and excited. We as a family are simply amazed at how God in his wisdom had this all planned out. Including the fact that my sister has experience in working with children that have lost their parents. They seem so made for each other and yet very few had matched them up before they started dating. I marvel at the grace and wisdom of God.

Oh and my wife loves to tell people that her sister's husband is marrying her husband's sister. :roll: :)
I am a man I may error but a heretic I can never be because I base my beliefs upon the Word of God - Dr. Balthasar Hubmaier
appleman2006
Needs MD Anonymous
 
Posts: 12057
Joined: Mon Jan 30, 2006 9:54 am
Location: Waterloo On. Canada, member of a Midwest Mennonite affiliated church

Next

Return to Courtship and Marriage

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest